There is trouble in the land. The change that the All Progressives Congress (APC) promised with so much gusto is fast turning into a nightmare. Just the other day, I read in the papers that Information Minister Lai Mohammed said that the economy of Nigeria has gone beyond the nous of President Muhammadu Buhari. Of course true to character, Lai Mohammed has since come up with a denial. It goes along the familiar course of the nation these days: denials, apologies, blames etc. The reality across the entire nation is that there is no light, no fuel, nor food on the table! Something has to give.
There was the talk of Vice-President Yemi Osinbajo travelling out of the country at the same time that the ever-touring President Buhari would be out of town too. It suddenly dawned on the APC chiefs that a certain out-of-favour Senate President Bukola Saraki would end up serving as Acting President. What followed were denials and rebuttals as usual.
In my book what Nigeria needs to solve all her problems is a consortium of presidents. How do we want to make progress by putting all the gargantuan problems of this country on the frail shoulders of one man named President Buhari? It is inhuman to saddle the man from Daura, Katsina State who ought to be having some relaxation time in the warm embrace of his ravishing missus Aisha with the many troubles of this troublesome nation. If we had a consortium of presidents in place, there would not have been the fear of Saraki sneaking in as Ag. President for starters.
In constituting my consortium of presidents, I hereby appoint Buhari the president in-charge of Anti- Corruption and World Tours. He definitely cannot fail in this doublebarreled presidency.
Of course I am quite aware that Nigeria is full of critics, and they are already questioning my right to choose the leaders of Nigeria all on my own. Forget Professor Attahiru Jega and his “Jega-jega”, I am the right man to do the selection in place of an election. The many presidents deserve to be selected by me, not elected by fumbling Nigerians who had always got their elections wrong since independence.
Do they not say that two heads are better than one? This way, many presidents on the same seat will definitely be better than one. I refuse to listen to the negativists behind my back screaming something about too many cooks spoiling the broth. That cliché of a proverb ought to be discountenanced in this golden moment of the change of Nigeria by the consortium of presidents.
Now that I have mentioned “change”, I make bold to introduce the First Lady, sorry, Wife of the President Aisha as a key player in my consortium. Given her success in campaigning for her husband to defeat an incumbent president for the first time in Nigerian history, her elevation to the presidency proper as opposed to just being Wife of the President with extra-First-Ladypowers will ensure that good old Nigeria enjoys maximum protection from her dazzling looks and fashion.
Now people are urging me to add international flavour to the consortium by importing the likes of Mugabe, Paul Biya, even Museveni, let me just stress that the General Overseer of the presidential squad should be the inimitable General, Chief, ex-President, ex-Head of State etc Olusegun “Do-or-Die” Obasanjo. Yes, the Ebora of Owu, Obasanjo, is needed as the navigator and arrowhead of the consortium to fashion a Third Term for the consortium of presidents! Who doesn’t know that the immortal General Olusegun Obasanjo is as ever charged to show Nigerians that no president ever can rule Nigeria without OBJ being the power behind the throne? What a great Nigeria it would be with daredevil journalists chased away like dogs by the rage of Obasanjo. Cynics who dismiss it all as “third term by the back door” deserve doses of Obasanjo Insecticide in their very eyes! Now that Obasanjo has been inducted into his coveted presidency slot he would no longer resort to writing a poisonous letter to any sitting oneman president!
Senator Ahmed Yerima is the next character to make my consortium of presidents. Sharia law as initiated by him in his native Zamfara State is highly recommended at the Federal level to fight corruption with blood and fire. If Yerima successfully cuts off the hands of all Nigerians, with which hands will Nigerians then be able to steal and do sundry corruptions? In one fell swoop, stealing will be a thing of the past amongst handless Nigerians. What an achievement, since nobody all over the world can again dismiss Nigeria as a land of thieves and scammers!
The consortium of presidents can do with the acumen of Mallam Nuhu Ribadu, the erstwhile ACN presidential wannabe and former EFCC supremo. Young Nuhu would chase away corruption from our land with Buhari-induced ferocity. He would gladly do the hatchet jobs for the consortium. The joker is that once the consortium of presidents reconciles with any previously corrupt opponent, Comrade Nuhu would promptly step forward to deny that the former corrupt man was ever investigated!
I borrowed the idea of the consortium of presidents from the sporting world where the likes of Adegboye Onigbinde are forever canvassing for the assemblage of a consortium of coaches for the Super Eagles of Nigeria. If Nigeria had a consortium of football coaches made up of the selfsame Onigbinde, Chukwu, Keshi, Oliseh, Siasia etc. I am quite sure that the Super Eagles can beat the World XI featuring Messi and Ronaldo.
A lot of people are now lobbying me to be included in the consortium of presidents, but the lack of space here will not allow me to mention all their names. Let me simply stress that the Jagaban himself, Bola Ahmed Tinubu, should be appointed the Ceremonial President, at the heart of the consortium. Tinubu will be left with the simple task of, like Zik of Africa, repeating ad infinitum that he won his esteemed place in the consortium of presidents on a platter of gold by achieving the greatest political victory of his life in forging the coalition and alliance that turned the once-mighty PDP into a consortium of losers! Come to think of it, it is in the great interest of forming a national unity government that, given the magnitude of the problems in the land that needs all hands on the deck, the consortium of losers should be accommodated within the ambit of the consortium of presidents! After all, the APC defeated the PDP by stealing the PDP!
– UZOR MAXIM UZOATU e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org